


my words will be the light (to carry you back to me)

by Akai__hana



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Arranged Marriage, Alternate Universe - Royalty, And a happy ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Victor Nikiforov, Betrayal, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, F/F, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, If You Squint - Freeform, M/M, No language barriers, but angst galore, historically inaacurate, sort of??, the whole idea of the story revolves around that, there is fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-04-05 05:16:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19041895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akai__hana/pseuds/Akai__hana
Summary: (It’s absurd.Ridiculously absurd.Two humans, standing on the altar, ready to take vows of marriage, of love, of duty, of promises and commitment.And this is the first conversation they’ve ever had.It’s outlandish,Butit is what it is.)(There was person once, who was gracious to Yuuri, whose hands were gentle and kind and held Yuuri’s with so much tenderness, whose eyes spoke of nothing but love and compassion, of promises and dreams, who made Yuuri feel warm from inside and made him live in a beautiful world for a short while.)(There was a person once who made Yuuri happy but also brought destruction)





	my words will be the light (to carry you back to me)

**Author's Note:**

> Hiraeth:  
> a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was, the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.

_Breathe,_ Yuuri tells himself as his mother’s hands gently cradle his face. _Smile,_ he tells himself as sher hugs him for what maybe the last time. _Don’t cry,_ he yells when his mother’s kiss stays on his forehead.

 _Stop crying,_ he berates himself as tears start sliding down his cheeks.

“Oh Yuuri,” his mother sniffles, bringing him closer to her chest once again. Her hands move up and down, rubbing his back, a gesture so soothing that it only makes Yuuri’s tears to fall down faster, makes him cry harder. She kisses the top of his head once, twice, thrice.

“I am sorry,” Yuuri’s voice cracks. He brings up both of his hand to return her hug. “I’m so sorry,” he repeats, because if he doesn’t say it now, he won’t be able to ever.

“What for?” She asks and oh, Yuuri knows that she _knows_ the exact reason why he is apologizing. But Yuuri also knows that it is her way of saying _you were already forgiven._ If Yuuri has learned anything about his mother it is that Hiroko Katsuki is nothing but benevolent. People of Hasetsu have many words to describe Lady Hiroko. _Gentle, kind, compassionate, gracious, generous—_

“The past has already been over and done.” She says, pulling back. Her thumbs rest on his cheeks, wiping away the stray tears that linger. They stay there for a while, unwilling to let go.

— _loving_ , _warm, tender._

You see, Hiroko Katsuki is nothing but kind, which is exactly why her words and actions leave a bitter taste in Yuuri’s mouth. Because Yuuri is underserving of this kindness, he is unworthy, unfit, even pitiful.

 _Shout at me,_ he wants to say. _Be angry,_ just as he is with himself. _Be disappointed,_ because he has done nothing to make them proud. _Admonish me, punish me, discipline me._ But isn’t this exactly what Yuuri is doing to himself? _It’s not enough,_ his mind screams.

Instead Yuuri smiles, a small one that is enough for his mother’s own to widen. “You are too kind.” He says, heart bleeding as Hiroko laughs.

“You silly child,”  she beams brushing off the non-existent dirt from his Navy blue robe, “You have not even left and yet speak like we are already strangers!” She reaches up to pat down his already set hair and grabs hold of his hand. “I’m your mother.”

 _Gentle, kind, compassionate, gracious, generous, loving, warm, tender._ (There was person once, who was gracious to Yuuri, whose hands were gentle and kind and held Yuuri’s with so much tenderness, whose eyes spoke of nothing but love and compassion, of promises and dreams, who made Yuuri feel warm from inside and made him live in a beautiful world for a short while.)

“We should get going,” Yuuri says, looking around the room one last time, trying to look anywhere but at her.

“Yuuri, are you happy?” She takes both of his hands and tugs, urging him to turn around. She is still smiling, and once upon a time (—not too long ago) that smile was contagious for Yuuri.  It’s an unexpected question. (A question asked a little too late.)

“Viktor is an excellent man, a little different but everything you deserve.” She pauses, her hands keeping him still. _I know,_ he thinks, biting his lips. _But does he deserve me?_  “Lord Feltsman has been nothing but kind to us, they are going to be your family.”

“Your father has assured me that you will be happy there. And I trust him, so I trust his words.”

 _I know,_ because no matter what it _was_ Yuuri’s decision.

“I trust you to take care of your husband in the same way he will take care of you.” _Do not bring shame to us anymore,_ is left unsaid but Yuuri hears it loud and clear.

“It was your choice to marry Viktor. But still, will you be happy, Yuuri?” She meets his eyes. “I do not want you to live an unhappy life. I would never wish that upon any of my children.”  Hiroko lets go of his hands and waits for his answer, smiling; always smiling.

 _Gentle, kind, compassionate, gracious, generous, loving, warm, tender._ (There was person once, who was gracious to Yuuri, whose hands were gentle and kind and held Yuuri’s with tenderness, whose eyes spoke of nothing but love and compassion, of promises and dreams, who made Yuuri feel warm from inside and made him live in a beautiful world for a short while. There was a person once who also destroyed Yuuri. Whose gentle and kind hands, gripped his so tightly that they left nothing but scars. Whose eyes spoke of fake promises and false hope, and left behind only tears, who made Yuuri feel so warm that now Yuuri only feels cold. There was a person once, who made Yuuri happy but also brought destruction.)

“I am happy.” Yuuri lies through his teeth, smiling. _I am not, but this is exactly what I deserve._

Hiroko beams, “My son is going to get married!”

**_._ **

**_._ **

 

“Viktor? Oh, thank heavens you are here! I searched _everywhere._ ”

Viktor frowns, tugging one of his ears as he looks up from his book. “You didn’t look here, Mila.” 

Mila sighs, walking past several bookshelves to reach where Viktor was sitting. “Why are you sitting in the library of _all_ places on your wedding day?” She seats herself across him, abruptly closing the book placed on the desk. “You are supposed to get ready.”

“The servants were being loud. Very loud. I don’t like noise,” Viktor replies looking away. “So I came here.” He tugs his ear again.

“There is quite a bit of buzz in the mansion today, isn’t there?” Mila hums, getting up so that Viktor can do the same. “Everyone is rushing to get everything done on time; last I checked Sara was about to pull her hair out.”

“Did…did you stop her?” Viktor asks, walking ahead to place the book back on the shelf.

“Stop her from what?” She stops mid-step to glance at the book title before turning around.

Viktor gives her a quick look before turning away. “From pulling her hair out, of course.”

“ _Oh,_ ” Mila laughs, “she didn’t actually pull it out, silly. I was just saying.”

Viktor smiles, “Well, I’m glad. I like her. I like Sara”

This time it is Mila who looks away, fiddling with her red hair. “I like her too.”  She turns to look at Viktor who his fiddling with his left ear and still smiling. “Anyways,” she clears her throat, “Aunt Lilia will pull _your_ hair out, if you don’t start getting dressed for your wedding now!” She pauses before taking his hand and pulling him. “Walk faster.”

“I’ll walk faster if-if you stop pulling!” Viktor whines pulling his hand away from her grip.

**_._ **

**_._ **

 

The music that Yuuri solely focused on while walking towards the altar fades into nothing as Viktor holds Yuuri’s hand lightly and guides him up the small stairs onto the raised platform. Viktor doesn’t let go of his hand once they stand in their positions and he doesn’t pull it back either. The hold on his hand is so gentle and light as if it is giving Yuuri a choice. _You can pull away now if you feel uncomfortable._  

Instead, it feels oddly comforting.

Instead Yuuri entangles his fingers together with Viktor’s and grips them firmly.

It’s an odd contrast, Yuuri muses. Yuuri’s hand is sweaty and shaking and appears darker in front of Viktor’s pale complexion.

“Hi.” Viktor whispers in an extremely low voice.

Yuuri gazes up to find that Viktor is still avoiding eye contact, preferring to look down instead but he is smiling, beaming. Its endearing, Yuuri thinks and watches as the man in front of him raises his free hand to fiddle with his ear.

“Hello.” Yuuri replies softly, and Viktor’s lips curl upwards a little more.

(It’s absurd.

Ridiculously absurd.

Two humans, standing on the altar, ready to take vows of marriage, of love, of duty, of promises and commitment.

And this is the first conversation they’ve ever had.

It’s outlandish,

But _it is what it is.)_

**_._ **

**_._ **

(Yuuri takes both of Viktor’s hand in his, squeezes them in reassurance.

 _“I’ll be your light if you will be mine.”_ He says, vows complete and presses a single kiss each on both of the hands he is holding.

“Oh!” Viktor grins, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

He raises Yuuri’s hands up to his lips and returns the kiss.

“I’ll be your light,” he repeats, meeting Yuuri’s eyes, “if you will be mine.”

Yuuri blinks, surprised.

Viktor—he concludes, is full of surprises.)

 

 .

.

...

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> so uh..you know comment down below if you think this has any potential.  
> i don't think i can update frequently but I'll try my best.  
> also uwu to those who can tell why Yuuri was surprised by Viktor in the last segment.


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